A Welby Welcome

By Adam Hilless - June 6 2012
A Welby Welcome Self proclaimed Champs in waiting Welby welcomed Baston for their latest SLBL Div 2 encounter. Read Adam's self centred report below.

Table-topping Welby welcomed Baston for the latest SLBL clash. For the second week running there were significant changes to the Baston line-up, a summary of which can be seen below.


Out:       John Lamin (dropped due to lack of runs, wickets, and comedy beards)

                Jeff Northwood (busy organising another non-existent race night)

                Doug Russell (injured in 7 different places)

Andy Townsin (fat)

In:           Lee Graves (newbug)

                Gunther von Downie (included to boost the good-knee count)

                Adam Hilless (included to add some much needed pace to the attack)

                Felix Cunnington (desperation)

Welby - Lee Car

Lee bought his motor off Adam


After an 8 hour drive, and brief detour along Hadrians Wall, Baston arrived in soot-coated Welby. Felix spent the entire drive boring everyone with tales of the last visit to Welby, including how Liam had been smashed over an oak tree (despite never having played there before).


 Welby - Window

The Welby Window (L to R) Sport, Adam, Liam, Deb, Pointless Window, Lee & Lloyd

Under-pressure skipper Tim lost the toss again, and big Whatto invited Baston to bat. Felix was given the chance to open in place of super-strop Ant, despite being too busy performing sexual favours for Andrew Hall to play in last weekend’s win over E-By-‘Eck-ington.


Fluff and Jono got off to a steady start against some tidy throwing bowling, before Fluff (6) was cleaned up by a straight one. Spurred on by his demotion to 3, Dr Norris supported Jono well, and runs began to flow. Meanwhile, having not taken any calories on for a good 34 minutes, Bowser pulled out his 2 litre bottle of diet coke, and promptly drained the lot. Liam was bored.

Welby - Orrey

Welby's Orrey coming in to bowl - sort of 


Ant got a lifeline early in his innings when he edged a snorter from BW to the OG behind the stumps, who dropped a snipper. BW was less than impressed by this, and threw a tantrum Ant himself would have been proud of. Uncontrolled cackling from the Baston boys on the boundary probably didn’t help. Model sportsman Tim was not pleased with this show of unprofessionalism from his troops, and reeled off a 5min lecture on  pride and decorum…..before farting loudly, lighting up 3 fags at once, and making sexist comments about every woman in sight.


Ant eventually succumbed to some tidy left arm spin for 17. After another bottle of diet coke, Bowser lurched to the crease….and promptly left again a few balls later for another duck. Meanwhile, Jono was playing an excellent knock, displaying some fine back-foot shots, including a massive 6 into Shaun Stick territory. The ball was kindly retrieved by OGAG’s dad.


Seeing Adam with pads on was enough to scare Jono into even more aggression, bringing up his 50 with another hook over the ropes. Gangsta Lloydie (10) made a quick Caribbean cameo before becoming T. Chucky’s first victim, pinned lbw. Jono’s brave resistance also came to an end, caught at fine leg for 63, attempting another mow over the ropes. He was probably distracted by the break-dancing spinner at the other end, performing a full routine to Saturday Night during each delivery stride.

Welby - Jon

Jono - In good form


Liam continued Jono’s aggression, attacking the returning quicks. Adam provided no support whatsoever, and was bowled for a duck running away to cower behind the square leg umpire. Liam’s quickfire 20 and some desperate scrambling between the wickets from Ben and Tim got Baston up to a slightly under par 139-7. Special mentions go to Ben for his average boosting 3 not out, and Felix for taking 10 minutes away from Hally to bat.


Teas were an interesting selection of good cake, and mouldy bread and cheese. Unfortunately, Bowser had already eaten 7 sarnies before realising this. There was some forgiveness however, as the opposition kindly allowed Tim to smoke in the dressing room.


With only Liam and Tim as recognised bowlers  With Liam being the only recognised bowler in the team, Baston always knew defending 139 was going to be tough. UPS Tim gambled by tossing newbug Lee (nice KA!) the new ball. Lee made an early breakthrough, the Welby opener caught at mid off by specialist fielder Adam. Adam was awarded 9.5 by the judges for his dive to get out the way of the ball, fortunately seeing it lodge between his shaking hands.


With the Welby cack-handers cruising along at 6 runs per over, Tim took another gamble to take the pace off the ball, bringing himself and Lloydie into the attack. Unfortunately Lloydie did look a touch rusty, conceding 19 runs off his 2 overs, although this is probably not too surprising given this was his first bowl since 1973.

Welby - Lloyd Bowling

Lloyd's last bowl


Completely fed up and wanting to get the game finished, Tim brought Adam into the attack, who surprised everyone by bowling ever-so slightly quicker and even straight now and again. This should have been rewarded with a wicket, but a regulation edge was dropped by Bowser behind the stumps. There was a crumb of comfort for the bowler though, as Bowser had to leave the field with a broken finger.

Welby - Pinky


Tim earned Baston one more point, snaffling another cack-hander, also caught by a petrified Adam during a sideways swan-dive for cover. Sporty Scotty got a chance to turn his arm over before the end, bowling a tidy 11 balls. This included beating the bat with a beauty, allowing Scotty to unleash his devil-eyed stare. Sporty also recorded the world's quietest appeal as he thudded a ball into the pads, turned to the umpire and fluttered his eyelashes.

Welby - Sporty

Sporty: Hard with the men, soft with the ladies.


There was still a chance for Liam and WH-Morris to earn some negative points in Tim Dyers Baston catching league, dropping and bottling simple catches respectively. Mercifully, Welby knocked off their 140th run, giving them a straight-forward 8 wicket win.


So, Baston did what Baston do best and hit the pub. Plenty of abuse was dished out to locals celebrating the Jubilee, who had packed up their picnic 3 days early by mistake. Other highlights included Felix allowing Andrew Hall out of his bag, Jono grabbing Deb’s jugs, and Lloydie needing a zimmer frame to get home.


Once again, the cricket league is upside down!