By Anon - May 22 2012
BASTON SUFFER LOSS NUMBER TWO, NOSE THEY'RE UP AGAINST IT Tim Dyer is currently the Steve Kean of Baston Cricket Club. Struggling to keep players happy, and not getting results. Read the anonymous report below for Baston's latest troubles at Billingborough

Baston slumped to their second heavy defeat of the season to confirm they will face an uphill battle this season to stay in division 2 and not return straight back to the dustbin of south Lincolnshire cricket, division 3. They have picked up only one batting point and three bowling points in two games, highlighting the areas to improve, batting and bowling. Having also dropped six catches in the opening day defeat to Boston, fielding also a weakness of this current ageing, injury plagued Baston side. To sum up, Baston will need to improve their batting, bowling, fielding and fitness if they are not to repeat their 2007 horror season, when the“invincibles” went the entire campaign without even a sniff (double nose reference) of victory.


Blast from the past!


Severely under pressure skipper Dyer won the toss at Billingborough on Saturday and after going around the whole team asking for their opinion and receiving a unanimous “bowl first today skip” and with heavily overcast conditions, a top order lacking any confidence or form and a middle to lower order that can only be described as shambolic he duly chose to bat first. Baston started well, playing sensibly to move to 50-1 and things were looking good until a double (double. i.e – two, refers to Adam and his second nose) blow, Howard bowled by semi-pro off spinner Cox and then one-knee’d veteran Stewart bowled by disgraced former league chairman Ginn. Stewart did come to the crease struggling for form having been clean bowled by his daughter by successive deliveries in the nets earlier in the day.


From here the Baston innings capitulated with a mixture of batsman getting themselves out and poor umpiring decisions as four Baston men were triggered by the cold, bored and presumably Billingborough based umpires. Top disabled cricket league batsman Hilless (disabled due to extra nose, not required)and overseas star Russel did offer some lower order resistance to claw Baston to their first batting point but Baston were wildly short of a defendable total.


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Baston’s bowling attack was weakened without the tree surgeon laminator, with Davies struggling to grip on the ball and Russel (1 x L) as usual bowling ECB standard deliveries that no Billingborough batsman could get near it was left again to skipper Dyer to try to make some headway into the Billingborough line up. Unfortunately early in his spell Dyer, off his longer run, pulled his groin, not the only thing he has pulled in recent times, leaving Baston toothless and pathetic.

Bil - Dredger

A dredger


Things could not get worse as Billingborough cantered toward an easy victory. Then they did get worse as Adam “Two Nose”Hilless was called into the attack and bowled what is best described as complete dross. We can only assume his recent addition of a second nose is somewhat holding him back through the delivery stride. Hilless finished with better figures than he probably deserved of 2-0-28-0.


Still the Baston spirit remains and all the lads, except former opening bat Morris, went off down the pub to celebrate and reminisce about the invincible season and the likelihood of a repeat. Morris was forgiven as he had some sort of facebook stocks and shares related pow wow with Major conf call and President Obama himself. Next week Baston entertain eee-by-heckington and can only get better…

Bil - Major ConfCall

Ant's business associate Major Confcall


Man of the match – Doug Russell – Once again proving he is a class opening bowler at this level and with some more luck will take a lot of wickets this season.

Nose of the match – Adam Hilless – Not the first original nose but the second one which apparently did come with matching comedy glasses but these were left at home as he thought they would look silly.

Bag on of the match – Tim Dyer


Tim Dyer- Having been dismissed plumb LBW and having batted for some minutes and nearly 3 over’s “What a f*cking joke, done all the f*cking hard work, eh, done all the f*cking hard work and get sh1t decision like that, f*cking joke. Deb, stop touching that man”.
Bil - Mutiny

Captain under pressure!

Scorecard -