Heron shot down by Tarts!

By Jon Howard - August 24 2010
Heron shot down by Tarts!
Baston Tart #1 Baston hosted Heron in the last midweek game of the season needing a win to secure promotion. Read a rare Jon Howard report here...

Baston stand in skipper Howard won the toss and consulted Bourne supremo Fluff on what sort of attack the oppo had. 'Utter guff'' came the reply so Howard had no hesitation in electing to bat and sprinted to get his pads on. He wasted no time in despatching 5 maximums with perfectly authentic cricket shots off the express opening bowler over the longest boundary. There was some concern for the welfare of cows in the nearby field; luckily they were all parked straight down the ground so were never in danger.

Lem played conservatively looking to bolster his season average and usurp Bourne thicko Felix in the Baston run table. Unfortunately for Lem, Fluff is fast becoming an accomplished number four batsman and realistically will one day end up playing at a higher level than in the back garden with his mum and hot sis. Fluff acquired some trés boring runs in the middle order to take him to within 9 of Lembo FC for the season. To prove just what dross was coming down even Adam chipped in with his highest test score. Unfortunately the bowling wasn't that bad to allow the Banks to last more than two balls. Baston finished on 150 for 3 off their 15, a daunting total for the Heron massive. The highlight of the Baston innings was Bourne big timer Fluff receiving a full toss full in the nuts, greeted by great cheers from the boundary. Fluff was ok though and looked forward to some soapy bath time treatment later avec mummy.

With it lashing it down with rain, some real joke fielders there was always going to be some comical moments in the field but no one could have expected what was to come. Honestly you anyone filmed this fielding display you could have sold to Jeremy spas hand for a fortune. First Howard, normally an accomplished fielder launched a run out attempt some 20 yards wide of the mark for 4 overthrows. Safe hands Lem put down a snipper. The usually reliable barrier of the Banks let one through on the rope, Howard stepped over another one, Fluff was an absolute joke behind the stumps and to top it all off skipper Dyer normally setting the example with his Jonty Rhodes like fielding and bullet arm, launched one in and then spent the next 10 seconds looking for it while cries came from the boundary "its behind you, you pr1ck".

Doug opened the bowling looking to get over his recent loss of a family pet. He bowled at good pace and deserved his two wickets. Clak bowled tidy, so did Tim, Ben did ok bla bla bla. With things becoming tight skipper Dyer turned to his death specialist Ruuuuarrruuuuuui. Ruuuuuuuarrrrrrrri has the batsman to thank his over only lasted 13 balls as they repeatedly padded up his wide deliveries. Honestly Felix's mum could have done better, once she washed the soap from her hands obviously. Ruuuuuuuarrri fearing he may have done too well and could be in danger of reselection decided to drop the easiest catch ever seen on a cricket field off vice skip Howard, not clever Sweendog, not clever.

Irish supremo Sween topped off his evening by more crazy antics in the field. It was that funny that am I having trouble writing this without laughing. Passing the ball round the field, rain coming down ten to the dozen, last over, everyone wants to go home, Tim tosses it to Ruuuuaarrriii at mid off who instead of completing the circle by turning and returning the ball to the bowler, throws it straight back to his skipper. Shout. Prizes.

Heron never looked like chasing down the runs and fell 40 odd short, leaving the Baston pigs sealed in second place still unsure of promotion, they will now have to wait for Dudley and Ben's annual meeting at Maccy D's in Glinton to see if they are promoted. After the game the lads went back to the spinner to enjoy pizza, beer und fags (not you Adam/Fee). The Baston boys were buoyed by the breaking news that Baston had agreed a fee for Ian MICKLEBURGH and it was now only down to agreeing personal terms with the player to acquire his services as a specialist 20/20 player next season and as triple good egg. In other news, Adam was still under the angry thumb.