How to make the perfect South Island trip.

You require for this:

• 2 Chapman boys (1 fresh and ready for travelling the world and 1 slightly jaded and lacking in funds)

• 1 unsuspecting German - female

• a handful of other nationalities (mainly german!)

• grotesque amount of flatulence

• More scenic views than you can shake a big stick at!

• Mountains

• Lakes

• A sprinkling of stupidity

• More flatulence

• A huge amount of luck and opportunism

Simply add the above into a Mazda cappella and leave for about a month or
until the German kills or at best maims the younger Chapman!

7.30am Wednesday 19th January 2005, the journey begins.  A 4 or so hour
drive to the capital city of Wellington and onto the ferry over to Picton
and the south island.  Our first stop is kaikora and although there is a
loose plan of attack for us, we are really just organising to be in
Christchurch for the ODI - rest of the world vs. black caps.

A common theme of this trip was luck and timing which we only failed with on
our first venture.the reason for the trip to kaikora was to swim with the
dolphins and as a matter of genetic formality for a Chapman there was no
previous organising or booking done for this.  The dolphin swim was booked
until the end of the month, so we jumped into herms (the car, he/she will be
referred to as a person for the entirety - deal with it!) after a couple
nights here and a quick look at a seal colony, we make a move down to
Christchurch.

Again by neglecting to plan head, helm and I arrive in Christchurch without
accommodation booked and little did we know that the busker's festival was
in town and dorm beds were going to be like looking for rocking horse shite.
  After a short time ringing round every backpacker's in the area we manage
to squeeze into a hostel right in the city centre and it is the perfect location

When in cairns I had the pleasure of meeting some wicked people, one of
which had mentioned that she wanted to get over to New Zealand.  After a
couple of emails, a purchase of air ticket and all the drinks she could fit
into a 3hour flight, Yvonne arrives.  The German or Vonni as she will be and
was referred to for the duration of the trip found us in a bar behind our
hostel, already worse for ware, talk about starting how you mean to go on!

There is a Canadian guy in our dorm.  Kev is hitchhiking around the country;
he is also a cricket fan.  After very little persuasion he decides that he
will come along to Jade stadium with us.  If you have seen the film - Fargo
then you will fully appreciate the accent and tone of Kev's voice and while
he had a good knowledge of fielding positions, explaining silly mid - wicket
and such like was very amusing.needless to say helm picked up saying "oh
jeez!" ever since and it has stuck even now!

The cricket which could have easily been a bag of bollocks turned into the
Fleming show.  Once he launched Shane for 6 of his first delivery and then
hit old Mulley for three consecutive 6's in a row in the next over, the game
turned out to be very entertaining.

As with all my previous reports drunken behaviour will be only recorded
within the text if it was particularly funny.needless to say the nights,
there were many within the trip.  The best thing we saw on this stay was
Sangakara, Mulley and Jayasuriya stumbling up the road shit faced.  I
shouted to them and told Mulley he was a chucker as you do.  I managed to
forget my camera for the photo opportunity but to see them bouncing off the
walls was brilliant.

The Busker's festival was awesome and we saw a whole variety of performances
from all over the world.  Comedy, mime and juggling separately or sometimes
all together allowed very cheap entertainment.  We went all over the city
and viewed the acts giving us the chance to see the town; the art institute
was my favourite venue where we watched a comedy show.

After Christchurch and a farewell to Kev we make a move, now as a 3 to Ash
Burton to meet up with a kiwi fella - myself and Vonni met in Australia. 
Russ and the family Young are yet another example of superb generosity and
welcome.  Mrs Young prepared a feast for us and then Dave (Russi's dad) took
us to his friend's house that owns and runs a deer farm for velvet.  We had
the full tour and it was brilliant.something that we would have probably had
to pay thought nose to see otherwise.  A brief night here and the enjoyment
of meeting yet more great people we move on to Lake Takepo.

After seeing the dazzling views of the lake and mountain back drop (another
common theme of the south island) we move on to a very forgettable visit to
see some penguins, the Germans idea entirely - helm and I were very
despondent about the entire trip and worst of all we observed 1 lone
penguin!

Dunedin is our next stop.  The group of companions is truly bonding now
whether they like it or not.  Obviously I know helm very well, almost too
well but after a year we have both changed - not massively but some
subtleties which take a bit of getting used too.now put yourself in Vonni's
shoes.  She has to grasp life with the Chapman boys and then have the added
bonus of language barrier and definite culture differences - sarcasm being
the real killer. We get on brilliantly and through a great deal of taking
the piss, we all benefit from learning both German and English.

Some of the best comments were exchanged my two travelling family members,
examples:

On the abrupt waking and constant nocturnal assault of helms snoring, Vonni
awakes and says in very broken English "you......I kill you!"  To which the
reply of "I only snore when I am asleep" is returned.  I think you had to be
there to appreciate the two morons but it was funny listening to the
conversation after just waking up.

I try to keep out of most of there conversations and just listen, another
conversation that had me in stitches was when Vonni was discussing why the
sheep's bums are so dirty - helm pipes up in his most pompus and sarcastic
voice "how well do you think you could wipe your arse having 4 legs and only
dock leaves at hand to do it!?"

Inspired interactions from people from different nations.

Our next big attraction was the Doubtful Sounds and with brief stops at
incredible view points and magical environments, we make it to Te anua. 
Before we jump onto our cruise, we drive to the Milford sounds, these are
basically the marketed and commercial sounds which the tourist's flock to
each year.  Again with the fear of repeating myself, the surroundings a just
outrageous.  We do however have our first scare, we nearly kill hermi and if
it wasn't for a lucky stop the poor thing would have blown up coming up the
hill and through Homer tunnel if we hadn't had stopped!  An hour or so's
cooling and we head off again.

Something has changed.  Before I left home, brother helm beat me at
everything.  Now it would seem I dominate every event.  Whether it is pool,
crazy golf or chucking a flip flop at a target in the park, I am number 1 -
the cruise on the doubtful sounds was to prove no different.  The trip
itself was by rights the best thing I have done in new Zealand encompassing
dolphins, seals, sea and normal fishing (which you caught and ate for your
meals), whale watching, great food and all in the incredible Doubtful
Sounds.

With regards to winning any fishing battles with helm just look at the
picture, I think his face tells the story.  And when little bro went all
shades of green when we got out onto the sea, he wasn't proving to be a true
competitor but then from nowhere he rectified the situation.  Helm dragged
his reputation back to something worthwhile by jumping off the side of the
boat.  Essentially the water was Baltic and when asked if I would be doing
the same I politely declined "am I bollocks!" - Helm took the initiative. 
Granted he was in the water just long enough for his penis to invert but the
boy did it, a well executed bomb as well which pleased the on looking crowd
(3 of us including the skipper).

Our next big stop was Queenstown - the city of the tourist and mentally
unstable.  Helm and I went white water rafting on the Shotover River; I was
the first and only to fall out of the raft as usual!  This was superb and
with the added gem of a good group and guide we had a ball.  The stupid or
mentally unstable aspect of Queenstown was experienced by helm and I in the
morning before we rafted and it involved jumping off a platform into the
very same canyon we would go through that afternoon.  The canyon swing is
the newest variation of the bungee and its quality.  The blokes who operate
it are complete bastards, they know exactly what buttons to push and when to
push them so even if you think you are the most confident person in the
world they will break you! Bastards!

I was picked on especially and fairplay what was I thinking saying that I
wasn't scared!  Elvis - the guy who is in charge of strapping you into the
harness and talking to you before you jump got too me straight away and
proceeded to torment me throughout both jumps.  The first involved jumping
backwards like you would onto your bed and the second was called 'gimp boy
goes to Hollywood'!  It was the biggest adrenaline rush ever!150 kms/hr in 3
seconds, falling 60 ft on a big elastic band kind of gets the blood
pumping!!!

A quick stop at Haast (pop. 350) and break the Jenga world record.  Then to
Franz Joseph and the glacier walk.  You get strapped into the boots and the
crampons, get given an ice axe and lead like follow my leader up a bloody
great ice cube!  We walked for miles and most of it was really quite
treacherous and I was apprehensive in most places, but what an experience. 
The pics again probably explain it better than I can but as unique and
beautiful landscapes go, this was the most that I have come across.  And
after a hard day on the ice there is nothing like a beer and a spot of jelly
wrestling.unbelievable - Christ the things I have seen.

After another driving tour of the west coast we make it cross country back
to Kaikora and the dolphins.  When faced with the idea of being in the cold
see with around 300 dusky dolphins the last thing you need is to fight your
way into a wet suit but we did and again I found that I was struggling and
exhausting myself into an all in one body suit, very fetching!  The next 3
hours was miraculous, sounds corny but true.  The only thing that jades the
experience is the fact that you are told t attract the dolphins by trying to
sound like them and basically sing to them.I nearly drowned when I heard
helm giving a rendition of very Sinatraesque 'somewhere beyond the sea'
bless him!

The rest of the day was dedicated to getting the German drunk!  We surprised
her by taking her to the Blenheim food and wine festival and it was a
sparkling day!  Along with Eckard (Vaseline boy), Ben and Damien (kiwis) and
other people we met during the proceedings we had a hazy yet grand day.the
evidence being Vonni falling over pissed at 5.30 in the afternoon!

Off to nelson and recovery.  The expense of the south island is only matched
by its value of encounters and nelson gave us the opportunity for chilling
out.  We visited farewell spit and the Abel Tasman national park but other
than that met up with people in the hostel and people we have met along the
way.

And so it is the south island complete.  We get to Picton and meet up with a
Spanish girl (Noelia) we met in our hostel who is hitching and we said we
would give her lift and then spend 6 hours in Picton waiting for the ferry. 
Another round of crazy golf (Tc dominating again!)  And after frequenting
every café in the bloody place we are then on the ferry to Wellington and
the north island for more fun and games!

Related Links:
Wheres Tommi - New Year
When Tom met Garth
Where's Tommi